At six o’clock I woke up for the fifth time this morning and then fell back asleep. I had dreams that stirred up emotions, yet I can’t remember what they were. The aftermath was a feeling of being out of place and of losing my way and it greeted me when I opened my eyes again at ten o’clock. I had overslept again. I guess that depends on how you look at it, I work for myself, and few things require me to start at a set time. Usually, I stay up until six in the morning and then sleep until noon. But I had recently promised myself that I would start getting up with the rest of the world because my daily witchcraft practice needed it. Sleeping in on accident isn’t a normal occurrence for me, however. Twice in one week is more than a bit odd, even for a night owl. Something was feeling off.
I grabbed my partner, and we ran errands. The entire time I was chewing on the sadness I woke up with and all the things that could be causing it. The full moon in Pisces, I have a Pisces moon so they are intense, that could be it. Oh, I am still kinda sad about some stuff that happened over the summer, but I had been pretty much over it, I thought. The whole way through the grocery store, I kept playing different loops in my head, looking for something that stuck out as the cause. I was so distracted I forgot to pick up my favorite pickles. When we got home, I grabbed my cards and took a seat at my desk.
After starting my “music for magick” playlist, I took a series of breaths, shuffled the cards and reached out for guidance. I called on the spirits who call me friend, the spirits that will one day, I called upon my guides and my future self (something that is always quite trippy,) and my ancestors. “Show me the way through this,” I asked them. In the center of the spread, on the place meant for today, the Empress card was proudly sitting. I chuckled and that sadness started to burn off like fog on a mid-day mountain.
To those in the know, the Empress card in the tarot is closely linked to the divine feminine and the archetype of the Goddess. For those who aren’t in the know, at one point in time, I was a big-ol-goddess-worshipper. After a series of unfortunate events, I found myself in the middle of a TERF war and most people were introduced to me as “Devin the male Dianic.” {Disclaimer: I have no relation to Z Budapest, Dianic is a big word…) That is a whole other can of worms that I might open one day, but for now, the important part is that when I first came on to the scene, I was known more for being a goddess worshipper than for anything else. When I was thrown into the public eye, my relationship eventually changed with the divine feminine, and it was no longer something that I discussed openly. Around this time, I had published my third book, The Witch’s Book of Mysteries, and I felt like I had said everything I needed to say about the subject and anything I hadn’t didn’t need to be said by me.
For the past couple of years, I have enjoyed not sharing that part of my life with the outside world. I believe those relationships should be personal and they shouldn’t be something that we base off what others feel is right or wrong. If I want to put my Diana statue on the left side of my altar, I can, and no one can say shit about it. If I want to horridly recite Italian and brutalize every single word in the process, I can, and no one can say shit about it. When I present things to the public, they have to be as near perfect or infallible as possible, not because the spirits care, but because the people do. When it is just me, I get to do what I want, when I want, because I simply feel like that is the right thing for the moment, and it always works for me. It’s freeing and the privacy has been quite enjoyable.
That isn’t to say I don’t respect tradition, I do; it just has a time and a place. I have never been one of those witches who obsesses over recreating an ancient magickal practice. I’d rather work with who shows up, look for what comes tomorrow, and if they ask me to go digging up the past, then I will happily. But I have always felt that being a stern traditionalist was a chosen path, and a needed one at that, spirits need people to constantly tend them, but that isn’t necessarily for everyone, nor should it be the expected end phenomenon for practitioners. I think because I saw so many people seeking staunch tradition, I went in the other direction, probably out of some unconscious need to be a rebel, or something.
Anyway, back to the reading. There I was, staring at the Empress card, and I was instantly calmed, put at ease. Curious still, I pulled more cards to see what she had to say. I don’t need to share everything, again most of it is personal, even this is personal, but I was told in no uncertain terms that I needed to be more open about my practice. This is not something I am comfortable with, and this isn’t one of those “Look at me, the Goddess told me to post” posts. This is a “I have some work to share, I am not sure what, but I am doing what I have been asked to do” post. We will see what comes next, chances are I will put my foot in my mouth, but I promise that it will at least be entertaining! 
For now, I thought I would share what came next. I went out into my garden and plucked an apple, a pear, a pomegranate, fresh rue, and some purple heart, then arranged them with store-bought roses I had picked up earlier. Roses aren’t in bloom this time of year here, but the purple tips were too hard to pass up, and sometimes you gotta buy roses for the Goddess. Tonight, I will make offerings of incense and wine, partake in more readings and the making of chimaruta. For the rest of the afternoon, however, I am sitting with her, holding space, and letting what comes, come as I contemplate a prayer that I have said to her since I was eleven.
“Holy mother, mother divine, show me the way and send me a sign.”
Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope that you get a chance to connect with the divine feminine today and that you find strength for the days to come. One thing is always true about being a witch, we are never alone. On days like this it is good to celebrate that.
